Ruling on Masturbationin

Assalamualaikum, I have a question about ruling on masturbation in Islam. I lost my husband 3year and 5 months ago. This is still very painful for me. After losing him, I am having panic attacks sometimes and anxiety problems. One day when I was having panic attack I tried to commit suicide coz it's really hard for me losing him. Lots of things are going in my life. it seems like the darkest time of my life. So in some weak moments when my tensions n worries covers me I do masturbate to control my mind. I do namaz n fast. Ive never been in haram relationship always protect myself as a amanat of my husband. This was my thinking from my childhood. But after losing him life became very hard. To protect myself for falling into something haram, I do masturbation. But I did not make it as habit. I did it then I repent n after months I did it again. Then again I make toba. Was searching some ruling about this but never find anything strong. Can someone show some light of this matter? I do not know what to do?