Why can't I be happy in the pursuit of Nirvana?

If you are happy, you will have to face sorrow right? So I am being told to just observe everything with equanimity or Anapana. TBH which is very boring So I observed that instead of thinking of everything leads to sorrow in this world, why not enjoy this moment. (Is is necessary to keep observing when you are happy.) After all we want Nirvana because **we are looking for a being in a state of something eternal**, Which is equanimity. **According to me Equanimity is not happiness for sure.** In [this](https://www.ted.com/talks/jim_holt_why_does_the_universe_exist) Video Philosopher and writer Jim Holt says **we can't live like dead humans as per Buddhism** and think like a western. I have experienced intoxication occasionally and I was in to Anapana for nearly a week and I have kept myself safe from any kind of intoxication for a year, everything was going smooth breathing while walking, lying, sitting, talking not always but I was satisfied with my pace of being aware. But this weekend I had nothing to do and suddenly a teeny tiny thought arises which says to get drunk and at the same time one of my friend said the same thing and we get drunk. I was still trying to figure out what is happening in mind, Why I am feeling different now. I know I should not be drinking is there anyway I can punish myself. I was actually scared of getting attacked by mind when alone. It attacked. Should i keep in doing Anapana as i believes that it cuts your Karmic chain for the moment.